working through a fear of being perceived
maybe it's not such a bad thing
One time in college, my friend asked me, “if you could be famous for anything in the world, what would you be famous for?”
I thought really long and hard about this one - which was easy because we were on a leisurely walk along the Charles river. Eventually, after running through at least 24 scenarios of fame in different circumstances, I told him that being famous would be my worst nightmare.
Fame seemed like an uncomfortable performance without end, erasing any opportunity to slip back into the comfort of anonymity. Any level of fame, however brief, is somewhat permanent. Even if you fall out of fame, you leave an imprint… a consumable piece of yourself (accurate or not) to continue being perceived out of your control… indefinitely.
Given the fleeting nature of our existence, I can understand the appeal of fame: being remembered. Or perhaps it’s the exact opposite - not being forgotten. Although being famous (on a global scale, at least) still sounds horrible to me, the labels and value we assign to things is a human urge, nothing more. What seems “good” or “bad” to me is just a reflection of my own fears and desires.
I’ve been reflecting on this fear of being perceived (which brought back that memory), and lately I’ve been wondering what it’s like to be on the other side. What it’s like to be perceived. To enjoy and want to be perceived. Not sure about you, but this is groundbreaking for me. As an exercise in being perceived, I decided to go against my typical state of being as an internet lurker and post something personal online.
My desires constantly oscillate between wanting to share my most authentic self online, and deflecting the spotlight by reflex to other people who are surely more interesting, more talented, and have better stories to tell. Dancers, writers, singers, public speakers, some girl on the internet sharing her successful small business story. Over and over again, I’ve found myself admiring others’ ability to share their light with the world, unapologetically. Let it be known that I, too, am determined to join them (this is not a threat, but maybe something better LOL).
Unapologetically.
I made the post and… posted it. I felt proud of myself for pushing past my comfort zone. Later that night, I started feeling pangs of anxiety and wondering if this was all a mistake. I felt exposed, and didn’t like that strangers were thinking about me or perhaps had access to me in a way I didn’t intend.
Instead of spiraling, I acknowledged the discomfort and reminded myself that I was just another person - one of millions sharing pieces of their existence online - and remembered all the times some stranger being vulnerable online had inspired me, regardless of the actual content being shared.
Being seen and perceived comes with consequences.
It sounds like such a scary word, but at the end of the day, every action has a natural consequence. You forget to drink water, you get thirsty.
In this case, putting yourself out there to be perceived in any capacity also means opening the door for criticism. And understanding that not everyone is going to understand or agree with you, and that’s 1000% natural (and a good thing, because life would actually suck if we were all the same). At some level, being in a place of being seen also means you are constantly being confronted with who you are… by yourself and the people watching. Especially in context of the internet - seeing yourself replayed back on screen, reading back comments, and allowing yourself to sit with the invisible force of an audience.
On a core level, this scared the shit out of my inner people pleaser. It still does. But it forces you to love yourself harder and shed illusions of yourself that don’t serve you anymore.
Even with creating this substack, I wrestled for days whether or not I should share in complete anonymity as I have always done. Or whether I wanted to be silly or serious. I chose something in between - because why fall into rules or polarities? They don’t have anything to do with the vast and infinite nature of self expression. Our natural state is to create, to love, and to be. Me included.
Whoever is meant to stumble across this particular corner of the internet will, for a reason we’ll perhaps never know. That’s your business. The lesson for me? Stop focusing on biased projections of what I think people think about me, and more on the steady practice of expressing myself however I please.
-best regards from the ether 🌀
I found this post by googling about writing and the fear of being perceived. The internet delivered! Thank you, internet stranger. This post gave me hope and imbued me with a little more courage than before.